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You think you’ll try the self check out lane because you’re kind of in a hurry and with only a couple of items, it seems like the right thing to do.

First, the scanner doesn’t read your bananas so you have to punch the numbers in manually, but because the code on the sticker is so small, you have to first get your reading glasses out so you can see it. The vodka you’re getting requires store authorization, so you’re waiting for the 16-year old bagger who’s talking to the 18-year old bagger, wondering if she likes him. Once he makes it over to your “quick” check out lane, he takes one looks, sees you’re old as the hills, and punches in some secret code so the vodka goes through. At this point, you just wanna throw the damn bananas and vodka in the car and get outta there, but then the little thingy won’t read you ATM card.

Short sales are like that.

It’s a good idea. Really. Much like avoiding long lines in grocery store (foreclosure). So you do the right thing. You hire an agent with sass and skill who (hopefully) properly preps you for the pitfalls and frustration you’re about to endure:

1. It will take time.

2. You will need to provide bank statements, pay stubs, and promises that you’re not related to Bill Gates or otherwise loaded with off-shore accounts.

3. You will have to let people inside your house; they will see your bedspread, book shelves, and litter box. (you will have to keep it clean).

4. The bank will play hard ball (this is where the sassy agent comes in).

5. You may need therapy (this is where the vodka comes in).

But then, if the blessed approval comes in (and a small celebration ensues) escrow is opened and all that awaits is the nail-biting inspection and appraisal period. You hope there is no dry rot damage from the weekend your son made a pool out of the hallway bathroom, and that the appraiser totally misses the mansion that sold next door two weeks ago. Assuming too, that the buyer turns out qualified and doesn’t change her mind because the cute house across the street that just went up for sale has such a neat-o tree in the front. Additionally, you’ve managed to fax and email and scan and be notarized about everything under the sun that always, no matter what, was due two days ago. Now you might, if you are very, very lucky, close your deal.

Seriously though.

While a short sale can be like a bit like a 10 Item or Less nightmare, it is leaps and bounds better than foreclosure. It is the responsible thing to do, that will, eventually (and I have to believed this) help repair our damaged housing market, thus our economy. Plus, you get to maintain your dignity and quite likely buy another house sooner. If it helps, I will bring plenty of banana and vodka. Promise