BofA Turkeys - In time for Thanksgiving

Bank of America Turkeys
(aka “BofA Turkeys”)

>> My friend Cory told me he was going to buy a Turkey from a Turkey farm. He asked, “How do you choose a good turkey?” Below is my response:

Cory, that's an easy question! The best Turkeys are BofA turkeys.

Why are BofA turkeys the best? Because SOMETIMES they even Speak! Most will try to speak English but you won’t understand most of them. That’s OK though because it’s their second language and they’re much cheaper than the U.S. Turkeys.

Unfortunately, you’re too late to buy one this year because they take so long to cook before you can take them out of the oven. Read the instructions below carefully and you might be able to cook one in time for NEXT Thanksgiving:

How to Choose the Right BofA Turkey From a Turkey Farm

1. Bring a flashlight because it’s best to search for them at night. That’s when they’re less busy so it’s easier to get through.

2. The younger turkeys wear a "Bank of America" T-Shirt while some of the older ones could still be wearing a “Countrywide” Shirt. They both taste and act the same.

3. They all look the same yet they’re not equal because almost all of them have different owners. Some of these owners work extra hard to ensure the turkey is not purchased for a fair price no matter what the true value of the Turkey is.

4. Make sure you purchase 3-4 at the same time because most of them will rot before you get them back to the office and you won’t know it until you’ve completed the entire recipe!

5. After you tell the Turkey’s owner which turkey you want to buy, and how much you will pay for it, the owner will often refuse to sell to you and would rather shoot the Turkey himself, leave it right where he shot it, rotting for several months—all the while paying for insurance and lawyer fees, then finally auction it to the highest bidder only to purchase it themselves for more than it’s worth! Then they put it back on the market until it sells for less than what the original offer was.

6. I know it makes absolutely NO sense, but that’s THEIR decision, not yours. (I think it’s because it makes them look good to the neighbors.)

7. You will need to complete the following paperwork at the farm:
a. Authorization to speak to the turkey’s owner (and maybe the turkey too)
b. A contract to kill the turkey good for at LEAST 6-months, with no contingencies.
c. Evidence that the Turkey is listed on the market.
d. A profit and loss statement showing how much food the turkey eats and how much it poops in a month. Some people might try to argue, but if you ask the owner, he will confirm that he really wants it GROSS.
e. A Letter explaining why the turkey got into the situation it is in. (Example: Parents were killed, unemployed, got lost wandering in a field, divorce, etc.)
f. AND MORE…The Turkey’s owner will probably ask for more than this later, or updates to it, just to frustrate you from wanting to buy another one of their turkeys again.

How to Roast a BofA Turkey

1. Prepare the Turkey For the Slaughter: Make sure you have all the required paperwork to prove the turkey has no way of taking care of itself (see above.) Everyone already knows it can’t, it’s just a formality to help the Turkey’s owner feel good and to waste time.

2. Kill the Turkey: In the unlikely event that you will have to kill the turkey yourself (most will be dead when you get to the office already), draw a picture of your offer amount and show it to the turkey. The Turkey will die instantly. This is the most humane and fastest way to get it done once and for all.

3. Stuff the Turkey: Even though it should only require 1 set of paperwork, you’ll likely have to re-stuff it 2-3 times before it actually stays in the turkey’s system, so make sure you make several copies before you start stuffing it or you’ll have to fill the paperwork out again from scratch before you stuff it again. After you have confirmed the paperwork is stuffed in the turkey’s system, and it stayed there (usually 2-3 weeks after stuffing,) proceed to the next step.

4. WAIT: The turkey will automatically close itself-THIS IS NORMAL. You’re probably use to turkeys staying open after you put them in the oven, but BofA turkeys won’t. They close all by themselves! You’ll need to re-open the turkey 2-3 more times before the turkey stops closing automatically. You’ll have to repeat step 4 each time it does. Again, be patient, this is normal.

[CHEF’S NOTE] DO NOT BASTE THE TURKEY. Instead place it in a dish and stick it in the oven. It’s not worth the time to make the turkey taste good, just get it into the oven!

5. Roast the Turkey: Set the Temperature to 30-45 days, err… degrees. Check the temperature and escalate it in 30 day increments until you get the desired result. Escalating it faster or higher than this could result in the Turkey closing itself again so be careful. This can be a frustrating step but it will be necessary on almost every Turkey you cook.

6. Checking the Turkey’s Status: Roasting a typical BofA Turkey will take 30-90 days to complete, but it could take longer depending on a variety of unexplainable and unthinkable variables, such as the Swine Flu. This is what makes BofA turkeys a “delicacy” that you won’t find in ANY other turkeys. If you get impatient and check the status of the turkey before it is done, you’ll only be wasting your time because it will always be in the same place it was in when you checked it last.

7. How to Know When the Turkey is Ready to Be Eaten: OF COURSE you’ll have to call someone to know the status of the Turkey. It’s not like the Turkey can call you on the phone and say, “OK, I’ve been working hard at roasting for 90+ days and I’m finally done, eat me!” can it? NO! That would be silly!

You’ll know when it’s time to call someone to find out if it is done when you start getting calls during strange hours of the day from the Turkey Farm asking for the Turkey by name. They will tell you they want to “verify some information about the turkey’s contact info” BUT THIS IS A TRICK! It is actually the Turkeys at the Turkey Farm trying to stop their friend from turning out successfully. We know this because just like all BofA Turkeys, they don’t speak very good English (see “Why are BofA Turkeys the best?” above) When they call they won’t know anything about the Turkey other than the Turkey’s name, but they’ll “claim” they “can’t disclose that information” even though they have your authorization already on file. Since Turkeys don’t have a very good memory, these few things are all that they can remember! WARNING: They might try to offer a diet modify for Turkey’s in order to “help.” Unfortunately, even though it sounds good, 95% of the time it just ruins the Turkey so that it’s good for nothing. If they offer a diet modification, just hang up.

The good news is that when you get a call like this from those BofA Turkeys, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your turkey is done—but it does act as a good indicator that it’s time to check on the status of the Turkey. Do so immediately after they call you just to be safe that they haven’t ruined it already.

…Repeat this step until you reach someone at the farm that can fax you a letter stating you have permission to eat it within 30 days. An extension past the 30 days is sometimes possible but it just tastes worse after that and the risk of it rotting before you can eat it increases significantly.

8. Eating the Turkey: There could be tax consequences or a deficiency Judgment—which is worse than the Swine Flu, according to our Attorneys.

[DID YOU KNOW?] BofA Turkeys do not make you sleepy after you eat them. The “tryptophan” can actually be found in the air while you cook the Turkey (or call the Turkey Farm) and the effects of it can be up to 10x greater than an average turkey. It is useless to fight the urge to sleep, you cannot win, and you will eventually fall asleep. So do not drive, work, or operate machinery while the Turkey is in the oven.

Conclusion: Nobody in their right mind would CHOOSE to buy one of these birds. However, if you can survive these 8 steps, they actually taste pretty good. A normal person would skip any Turkey wearing a T-Shirt but not you or me!